1800DARIA
by Smileyfax
Summary: Daria receives an unexpected call from her father. Hilarity ensues.


Jane sighed as she finally opened the door to the loft she and Daria shared. It had been a long, grueling day at the fast food restaurant she worked at, and she wanted nothing more than to kick back in her recliner and watch Sick, Sad World.

...Except Daria was in her recliner, when she was supposed to be at her own job.

"Uh, hey, amiga. They let you off early?" Jane asked.

"I quit," Daria replied, bleakly.

"What? Why?"

"That's...hard to explain," Daria hesitated. "You see, I haven't been entirely truthful about where I work."

"You don't work at a call center?"

"Well, technically, it is..."

XXXX

Earlier that day...

XXXX

Daria scanned her report again, certain that she was finished with it. That was the main thing she liked about her job -- there was a lot of downtime, so she could work on her school assignments at will. The pay was pretty damn good. As for the job itself...

A light flashed on her phone, indicating a client. She put on the headset and answered. "Hey there, you're talking to Esmerelda," she purred.

"Uhhh...hi, Esmerelda," the man on the other end of the phone stammered out. "I'm Larry."

"Mmm, Larry, such a handsome name," she answered, rolling her eyes at her own terrible dialogue. "What would you like me to do today?"

"Uhh, well, uhh, I want to know what you're wearing."

"Oh, well, it's just the saddest thing, Larry," Daria pouted. "It's wash day, and all my clothes are in the laundry. All I have on is this t-shirt from three years ago that just...clings to me, and the only underwear I could find is my thong."

"Uhh, mmm, really? Maybe you could...uhh...take off that shirt, then," Larry grunted.

"Oh, but Larry, it's so cold in here. Why, you wouldn't believe how far out my nip-"

Daria was interrupted by a series of pants, moans, and an occasional reference to God, followed by Larry hanging up.

Daria took off the headset, rolling her eyes again. Third time that day.

XXXX

Jane was hunched over, laughing, on the couch. "Daria, you HAVE to be pulling my leg. You do NOT work at a porn hotline."

"Not anymore," Daria pointed out.

"How did you even start working there in the first place?"

Daria shrugged. "My chemistry partner referred me. She said that she was paying her way through college and renting an apartment from working there, only she didn't tell me what it was at the time. I gave in to my once-in-a-geologic age impulses and actually tried it out and...it's not horrible."

Jane laughed again. "Daria, you're growing up! I'm so proud of you! So...why did you quit?"

XXXX

The report was sitting comfortably in the USB drive in her pocket. Now she was reading Proust to fill the time before her shift expired. The light flashed on the phone, though, so she marked her place, put on the headset, and answered.

"Hey there, you're talking to Esmerelda," she recited.

"This is Jake Morgen...uh, just Jake."

Daria nearly choked. "Dad?"

"What?"

"Uh...I said, 'Damn'. Because Jake is a damn fine name." Daria wasn't sure what was worse: talking to her father in her sultry voice, or the possibility that she would be discovered.

"Oh, right. Heh. For a minute there, you sounded like my kiddo...anyway, can I just talk?"

"That's what I'm here for, Jake," Daria reassured him, suppressing her gag reflex.

"It's just that...I'm so lonely, especially since my two little girls moved away to college."

Daria frowned. "Well, Jake, don't you have someone else? A wife, maybe?"

"You mean that WHORE?" Jake suddenly burst into rant. "I gave Helen over 20 of my best years, only to find her in OUR BED with ERIC SCHRECTER BALLS-DEEP INTO HER!" Then he began sobbing.

The first thought that occured to Daria was that Jake should become a science teacher, and she had to stifle a hysterical laugh. The reality of what she had just heard hit her a moment after, and a lead weight settled itself in her stomach.

"When did this happen?" Daria asked.

"Two weeks ago," Jake answered, the sobs relenting a little. "I've been sleeping on the couch ever since. At least Helen agreed to a simple divorce -- she knows I could rake her over the coals with what I saw. The hardest part will be telling our daughters." Jake sighed, sounding defeated.

"Well, I don't really know what to tell you, Jake. You should probably tell them you're getting a divorce, and don't mention the affair or anything." In other words, the exact opposite of this horrifying experience. Daria was thinking desperately of any way she could get Jake to hang up.

"Thanks, Esmerelda," he replied. "Er...while I'm talking to you, do you think we could play pirates?" His voice suddenly took on a slightly amorous tone.

"ErnothanksIgottagobye," Daria said in a rush, disconnecting. She stood up and left her station, intent to deliver her resignation to her boss.

XXXX

"Oh God, Daria, I am so sorry," Jane said, the laughter having been banished a long time ago.

Daria shrugged. "It's not your fault. It's Eric's fault because he couldn't keep it in his pants, and it's mom's fault because she couldn't keep it out of hers." She contemplated the wall for a moment. "I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to forgive her."

The phone rang then, and Jane checked the caller ID. "It's Jake, Daria," Jane said, handing the phone to Daria.

Daria regarded the phone as the condemned man regarded the noose, then took it.

XXXXXXXXXX

Well, here's the latest release from Smiley Productions! I originally started this a few months ago, but abruptly quit a few lines in because it didn't feel quite right at the time. However, I was organizing my desktop a bit and came across the first few lines, and the rest just flowed out quite easily.

I don't know how long this will be...I'm pretty sure, though, that things won't get naughtier than they were in this chapter. 


End file.
